What Not To Say

I don't know if you know this, but when a female becomes pregnant people feel like they can say ANYTHING to her...I don't know what it is, but now that I am in my 38th week of pregnancy and the Doctor just informed me that I should expect no 6 pounder, and, in fact, Baby is measuring on the larger side...(Actual conversation below)

Doc: So...you are an excellent incubator
Me: Um...are you saying that because this baby is showing no signs of EVER wanting to come out?
Doc: Kind of...I mean, it feels like all baby in there...How big was your daughter?
Me: 7.14
Doc: Yeah...This one is going to be bigger than that...you should definitely not expect to have a 6 pounder...
Me: To be clear...are you saying that he is currently bigger than that or that he  will be bigger than that when he finally makes his debut?  Because to be honest with you, I feel like he is already 6 feet tall and 300 pounds...
Doc: Oh he will be a little smaller than that...
Me: Oh good...so he will be somewhere between 8 and 300 pounds...perfect...

So that was yesterday...but I have been pregnant for a minute now...speaking of that, I had the following conversation with an actual nurse a few weeks ago...

Nurse: When is your due date?
Me: May 3
(as she is entering this into her computer) Nurse: So that makes you how far along?
Me: 35 weeks
Nurse: and how many days?
Me: 0 days-
Nurse: Um, that is not possible...
Me: pardon me?  I am exactly 35 weeks today...
Nurse: No, my computer says that you are 87 and 1/2 weeks pregnant. 
Me: I am sorry, but do I look like an elephant?  I assure you, if I were 87 and 1/2 weeks pregnant, I would not be as friendly as I am right now. 
Nurse: Hmm...let me see, oh wait...I thought you meant you were due May 3, 2012...

Where do these nurses come from?  I am optimistically assuming that she is not a normal L&D nurse, because if when I actually do go into labor, she is assigned to me, I will not be shy about asking for a new nurse...

A man at work looked at me last week and said "What are you still doing here?"  Considering it was about 2:00 pm I was a bit confused as to why this question was being posed...so I asked him what he was talking about? His response: "Aren't you having a baby?" I said "Not right now, and it isn't like he is going to fall out..."

At 3 people have asked me if I am ready to "Pop"- Do I appear to be a balloon?  Have you ever seen a person just walking down the street and all of a sudden just POP?  Weird, me either...

Are you sure there aren't 2 babies in there? or Wow! You are big!  Now, I haven't received these comments this pregnancy-but I did SEVERAL times when I was pregnant with Hans...and at one point, I ran to the bathroom in tears because a co-worker constantly stated how big I was, as if that was a compliment-meanwhile, all I kept hearing was - Holy Eff Lady-you are a whale!!! 

Are you dilating?  Um XQ, but I am pretty sure that unless you are the Hubs or I volunteer that information to you because you are in the circle of trust, you do NOT need that information...nor will I be providing that to you, you crazy! 

Was this a planned pregnancy?  OK, people...a) again, none of your business and b) Who asks this question?  Regardless of the level of planning that was done prior to my baby's conception, it makes no difference...do you really think I am going to respond and say-nope complete accident?  (Which I am NOT saying is what this was, to be clear.)  But do better people, do better.

This is not a statement or a question but an action-Listen people...Do NOT and I repeat DO NOT reach out and touch a pregnant person's belly EVER without first asking permission.  You would not reach out and grab a non-pregnant person's body part without asking first right?  right.  Additionally...if baby isn't moving you won't be feeling much anyway...just a belly...just ask-and don't get upset if she says no-personal space people...personal space. 

Are you going to eat that?!  Is it on my plate?  Then my answer is yes, you don't need to ask nor judge...I, personally am not eating any weird combinations of food so are you just commenting on the amount of food I am eating?  My portion sizes are not really any larger than what I was eating pre-pregnancy, so there really is no reason for that question, so my response is yep-you jealous?  or yep-are YOU going to eat that? 

Hubs and I are not name sharing until Baby arrives-which makes people crazy.  Now, there are people who just accept that they won't know the name until he makes his Public Debut, and then there are people who just get so upset and take it personally and think that we are only keeping it a secret from them...like the rest of the world knows and they don't...Even Hannah doesn' t know Baby's name-poor girl thinks his name is Peanut...I don' t know what will happen when she finds out that that isn't his permanent name...she may just call him Peanut for the rest of his life...But the reason we are not name sharing is because we don't want to hear your personal stories about how you feel about the "Stacy, Cassie, Brian, Joe" in your life...or that when you hear it you think wow-stripper/serial killer...you would be surprised how often it happens...and don't try to deny it, you have done this too-you may not realize it, but you have done it, and I assure you, it offended at least one person. 

You have to go to the bathroom again?  Yes, the answer is always yes.  I realize I just sat down from going to the bathroom 2 minutes ago, but yes, I do have to go again.  Thank you for being the bathroom police...and for the record...pregnant people have to have the cleanest hands of all people because of all of the hand washing that happens after going to the bathroom every 2 minutes...

Wow your feet are swollen...  You don't say?  I had no idea how large my feet and kankels have gotten-I have no idea that my shoes and sandals aren't fitting and I now have rolls on my feet-and that they literally hurt to touch them...thank you for telling me...

You look tired...OK, I am making a person...literally growing a human, I wake up to go to the bathroom several times at night, and I work all day long-and have, to date, been successful in not exploding in a hormonal rage on anyone for any of the ridiculous things that the people with which I work have said, and go home to play with my 4 year old, 2 dogs and try to have conversations with the Hubs-of course I am tired...even if I wasn't growing another human, I would still be tired...all I hear is WOW-You look like doody...

Are you going to work until you are in labor?  Well, yes, that is the plan...there isn't much else for me to do and I would like to save my leave to use when the baby is actually here so we can enjoy some time together...don't worry, again, he isn't going to just fall out-and if I think I am in labor, I will just call up the doctor and go in to get checked-I would not just try to finish what I was working on and come on into the office like nothing is happening...believe me, I don't want to go into labor at work...my biggest fear is that my water will break while I am at work...I don't think you can come back from that...

Your face isn't big at all!  Wait...what?  What do you mean my face isn't big-is my face supposed to swell up like a balloon or like I am having an allergic reaction?  anyone?  Know what does look big-my belly, thighs, and back fat-so maybe the "bigness" has just concentrated in the other areas and just hasn't reached my face...I really don't recall my face getting big before though...

Do you have stretch marks?  Um...ok...again, none of your business if I look like a tiger under my clothes or not-would you ask me this if I wasn't pregnant and what would you say if I asked you that?  Xactly.  Don't ask. 

When is that baby gonna come out?  Um-if I knew the answer to this I would be rich and I would never have to run into people like you who ask crazy unanswerable questions...he will come out when he is good and ready...or when my doctor determines that he is good and ready...

Oh-I would have thought that you would have had your baby by now...Um really?  I am due May 3...why would you think that at any time prior to then I would have had my baby?  I mean, I am not trying to hold the record for world's longest pregnancy (thank you ridiculous nurse from above conversation) nor am I trying to rush this baby out of the womb before he is done cooking-so let's just let this 40 week process ride...

When I was pregnant I...Stop.right.there.  Every person is different-what happened to you will not happen to me, and, in fact, what happened to me when I was pregnant with Hannah is not at all what is-or has- happened to me this time around...so don't try to scare me or tell me horror stories about your experiences or how you had a dream pregnancy...

When I was in labor...Again. Stop yourself.  What happened to you is what happened to YOU-my experience will be different because I am me-period.  I don't want to hear your L&D horror stories...I know for sure we will have the same ending though-baby is out and hopefully both baby and mom are healthy...the end. 

Not everything is bad though...
The other day a woman stopped me and said: "Wow you look beautiful,"  Thank you new BFF, you literally made my day because I was feeling like a whale and just wanted to blend in and have no one notice me.

I, by no means, am speaking for every pregnant person out there...I am speaking for myself...but really it boils down to -just think before you speak/act.  The world will be a better place for us all.